


We can share my hope (until you regain yours)

by farmsicle



Series: Hold my hand [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel is a Winchester (Supernatural), Castiel is amazing, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Family Issues, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester A+ parenting, John Winchester Being an Asshole, No Incest, Post-Episode: s15e09 The Trap, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Spoilers, Why Did I Write This?, another sad thing i wrote but what's new there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22305940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farmsicle/pseuds/farmsicle
Summary: MINOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 15x09, read at your own riskBack when Sam and Dean were in Heaven Dean mentioned something to Sam about first time kid ran away.Sam saw things he wished he had never seen. Dean has some flashbacks. Castiel is doing his best to comfort them.Rating is for language and emotional abuse.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & John Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Hold my hand [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1636159
Comments: 2
Kudos: 95





	We can share my hope (until you regain yours)

Sam was just settling from Eileen's departure, brainstorming, going over things he saw. EVERY thing he saw, because Chuck didn't care what Sam saw, he wanted him to lose hope and what better way to fuck up a Winchester than just letting them do shit unsupervised. He will have nightmares about all of things he saw. Jody. Claire. Eileen... Cass. Dean had to lock Cass up, their best friend he had to--

"Sammy, you're thinking about something, I can HEAR it, so spit it out, Cass seems unsettled", Dean said suddenly, taking a sip of his beer and boring into Sam's eyes.  
Sam really didn't want Dean to know what else he saw when he finished looking at the future, but he knew that he was probably making both Cass and Dean worry.  
He took a deep breath and smiled, weakly, but he still smiled: "I just... It's nothing Dean, I just saw some things that I probably shouldn't have." Not telling the truth wasn't exactly lying, and it's not like it was something that they never done before, some things weren't supposed to get out from the dark.

"Ya know you can tell me anything Sammy-- ", before Dean continued Sam cut him off, because to hell with this shit, lying and hiding things never got them anything but trouble and they don't need trouble at the moment. With Eileen away and Chuck on the loose.

"I... Remember that time when I ran away to Flagstaff?", Sam asked and Dean seemed not to be on the same page as he was, but decided to listen for whatever reason, so Sam just... continued, "When we were in Heaven that one time you told me about 'When dad found out...' and... Dean it left me feeling so fucking unsettled for whatever reason. You seemed like you just woke up from a nightmare even if you weren't sleeping. So... when Chuck let me see the future I figured..." And right at that moment while Dean's mind was still catching on Cass seemed to jump on the train and realize what was happening so he just continued what Sam was trying to say: "Sam decided to see what happened, if I'm following what he's trying to say." With as small nod of confirmation Cass gave him a pitiful look. Of course Cass knew what Sam saw, he was one person besides Sam that knew how Dean fucking blinked.

Sam saw Dean slowly get up from his place on the chair, so smoothly, just putting his beer down and making a line around the table for place where Sam sat. Sam expected an angry outburst, about how it was none of his business and he shouldn't have gone and dig around it. Hell, Sam was probably expecting Dean to tear him a new one for doing something like that so he braced for that, after what he seen he deserved it, anything that Dean wanted to do he deserved it. He kept his hands still, one clenching onto the bottle and other holding arm of the chair, he won't defend himself, he won't. This thinking was the reason, when Dean came close enough to be within arm's reach, he didn't expect of Dean to slowly pull him close making him rest his head just right under Dean's chin..Dean wrapped his arms around him one hand resting on his head and other clenching his shoulder.

Sam let out a breath, his lips shaking when he did, it sounded so pathetic, making him shake just slightly not that he would admit to that.  
"It's okay Sammy, it wasn't your fault, it's okay kid", Dean said resting his head on Sam's, rocking on his legs, Sam knew that was one of his ticks, as much as he said that it was for Sam's good, this calmed Dean as well.

Sam's hands sneaked around his waist, hiding his face into the flannel: "I never meant for that to happen." 

"I know, it wasn't your fault. My only regret is not getting out and taking you with me, I will regret that for as long as I live Sammy", Sam can't remember when was the last time that Dean's voice was this soothing to him.

Sam just shook his head, still whispering knowing that Dean would hear him: "Wasn't your fault Dean, none of it. You were just a kid too, you didn't deserve to have all that responsibility dumped on you. You raised me the best you could."

“Dean, Sam is right, you did amazing job, there is not many people who would”, Cass who was quiet the whole time decided to speak up. Dean gave them both soft smiles, leaning down to kiss Sam’s head, causing his younger brother to try and hide his face even more. With them like this it feels familiar, like nothing ever changed, like Sam was still a kid that barely came to Dean’s chest, clinging onto his brother and begging him not to go.

Dean slowly pulled away tapping Sam’s chin so he would look up: “That night doesn’t matter, alright? I’m sorry you saw it Sammy, but don’t ever forget what I told you, nothing ever comes before you, dad was bastard filled with rage and it doomed him, it was bound to one day. I know that now and what he said doesn’t matter to me, not anymore. I got my family. I got you and Cass, and Jody and the girls, and we will get Jack back Sammy, we will beat that son of a bitch and get ready for the next apocalypse.” Dean smiled down at him, going over his eyebrow with his thumb and fixing it, no rage, no sadness, he really seemed at peace. “It’s okay if you’re feeling hopeless, now it’s time for me to have hope for both of us, I got you little brother”, and at that moment Sam believed him. Past? Present? Future? Dean will always have his back, when the whole world turns against them Dean will still stand by him.

“C’mon, that’s enough chick flick moments for one night right? “, Sam laughed a bit, but not pulling away, he wouldn’t mind staying like this the whole night, “Since we can’t do shit right now how about just watching a series until we pass out, Cass started on The Witcher before us, don’t think I didn’t notice it Cass, that was a dick move.”

“Castiel I don’t even know you anymore how dare you Sam was geeking out about the books for weeks, this was a dick move and I will defend my brother’s honour”, Dean joked, letting go of Sam to turn towards their best friend that seemed… content actually.

Castiel just shrugged and gave a light smile: “I did no such thing and you cannot prove anything.”

Few more jokes here and there and they decided to settle on Dean’s bed and watch the damn thing together, Cass still not admitting his guilt. Cass was settled on the chair the moment he entered the room so Sam just plopped himself onto Dean’s bed and if Dean smiled, well that’s his thing. Dean went to get popcorn while Sam set the show up, Cass decided that he would make a nest on the bed, because that was Cass, and more or less human he did weird shit like that and they stopped questioning it long ago.

When Dean re-entered he just raised an eyebrow at his bed, whole headboard was covered in blankets and all pillows Dean had in his room, but Sam just motioned in Cass’ general direction, which made enough sense to Dean. He plopped down, sinking into the bed, crossing his arms over his chest. Cass moved his chair closer to bed so that he could eat popcorn with them, even though it tasted weird texture was okay enough, or so he said. Sam took the bowl from Dean as he found himself in the middle and placed it on his stomach so everyone had their share of popcorn.

Soon enough they were watching 3rd episode and Sam was humming along to Toss a coin to your witcher and Cass was invested into the series, so Dean could think, without angel noticing the stress. Sam was close to him, safe and sound, Cass was within arm’s reach. Everything was okay at that moment, but his mind decided to be helpful and wandered off, he will never forget that night.

Dean spent two whole days and nights not sleeping just LOOKING, researching, calling every police just to find his brother. He was sick with worry, barely 17 years old this was not something that he was prepared to do. He vomited two times already and he wasn’t brave enough to eat anything this morning besides the toast. He couldn’t call dad, man would skin him alive. He cursed himself the whole time. He just went out to the local bar to get some money because they were short, dad just dropped them off with whatever cash he had, he had a lead he needed to follow. With little that they had Dean distributed it towards the food. Technically they would have enough, but only pair of shoes Sammy had got holes in them and Dean’s were three sizes too big and he tripped. He thought they would make it with Dean wearing Sammy’s shoes and Sammy wearing his, that turned out great and after two days Dean went to some thrift store and got Sammy another shoes, leaving them with close to nothing. Kid was growing and Dean needed to get money, they needed to eat. He took half of the money they had with him and left the other, getting caught stealing once was once too many, he couldn’t afford getting arrested this time because he didn’t know when will dad get back and Sammy wouldn’t have enough money to survive until then, and kid was like 13, motel would call CPS. When he came back with 300 dollars more in his pocket Sammy was gone, no trace of anything, and Dean was hysterical. ANYTHING could have happened to Sammy, far too many people hated Winchesters because of John’s oh so friendly attitude.

He had just gotten back from yet another questioning of Sammy’s friends, tired and dead on his feet. He was just about to make another pot of coffee when John entered the room, satisfied smile on his lips as he wiped his bloodied cheek with handkerchief: “Where are my boys!—“ He topped in his track when he noticed only Dean was in the room, bathroom doors open, no sign of Sammy. Dean jumped at his voice lump in his throat growing bigger. Sammy was not there. Sammy disappeared on Dean’s watch, Dean lost him, he lost his little brother—

“Dean… Where is Sam? “, John asked, deep, cheerful tone gone from his voice, his gaze hardening on his eldest. 

“I don’t know”, Dean almost whispered, moving towards the sink, taking dirty dishes and starting to wash them with cold water, his hands felt like they will fall off. Good.

“What was that? “, there was disbelief in his father’s voice, rage was hiding under his words and Dean knew it, he saw it one too many times.

Dean swallowed, raising his voice to be heard over the running water: “I don’t know, sir.” And there was it, dad’s good little soldier.

“What do you mean you don’t know Dean!? “, John almost screamed, dropping his things on the floor, duffel opening and things just dropping out of it. 

“I—I went to get money we were short a-and Sammy was not here I’ve been looking -- I was looking everywhere I just came back no one saw him”, he felt like every word he said was choking him more.  
John took a deep breath, calm façade almost gone completely: “You had one job Dean. One. Make sure that Sam was okay and what do you do!? I’M GONE FOR A WEEK AND MY YOUNGEST IS GONE! YOU FUCKING LOST YOUR BROTHER HOW DUMB CAN YOU BE!?” And this was the moment that will never leave Dean’s mind.

“S-Sir I’m sorry”, Dean said, not knowing why, he knew it will only anger his father even more, so he didn’t dare look up from the dirty dishes, scrubbing at them as hard as he could. His father never had a good temper, and Dean fucked up so bad.

“You’re sorry!? You’re fucking sorry!? Tell that to Sam, oh no, you can’t because you lost him you useless little—Will you stop with the fucking dishes and look at me!? What the fuck do you think you’re doing!?”, his tone was getting louder and louder. Dean didn’t dare do anything but drop the plate he was washing and turn around, facing his very angry father, he was red in the face from screaming and anger, and his stance was honestly scaring Dean, Dean who was now higher than his father, Dean who was 17 years old. He felt like a little kid. “I give you one job Dean and you can’t even do that right. I understood you didn’t have brains for school, I didn’t need you to, I never said anything about your lower than average grades because you did your fucking job and took care of Sam, and now!? You can’t even do that right! All you had to do was watch him! If you go to fucking whore yourself out you make sure he’s safe first, you don’t leave him ALONE.”

Dean was shaking at this point, slowly going to place one plate on the table so his dad could eat, he almost dropped it along with fork. He knew his dad would need a knife, but something made him not want to put in onto the table, something told him he shouldn’t.

“I’m sorry si—“, before he could finish he was cut off once again.

“SHUT YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH IF YOU DON’T KNOW TO SAY ANYTHING OTHER THAN SORRY! WHAT’S YOUR SORRY WORTH TO ME DEAN!? WHAT’S IT WORTH TO SAM!? “, Dean was sure other tenants of the motel could hear his father. So he kept his head low. “Maybe I should have beat you black and blue that time you almost got Sam killed, maybe then you wouldn’t fuck up! Maybe then it would fucking stick”, John was now pacing. Dean knew that his father never hit him nor Sammy outside of their training, but something made him feel scared, he felt like he was 3 years old about to be taken over his dad’s knee because he was not behaving. Just this time it won’t be three slaps to his ass and long hugs afterwards, no this time John would break his bones and leave him on the street because what good was he if he couldn’t look out for Sammy. What fucking good was he. His dad made few steps towards him and Dean braced, his dad never hit him but he fucked up and he deserved it.

His dad took his collar in hand and shook him roughly, making Dean shake, almost go to take his dad’s hand and move it, he was feeling threatened, and all instincts told him to run. “You lost your brother, you lost one good thing that you had! You’re a fucking”, please don’t say it, something in Dean begged, just begged his dad not to finish that sentence, “disappointment Dean!” He shoved Dean out of his way, going for the opened beer on the counter top and reaching for his phone with his other hand.

Dean just moved, something in him shattered and he stood limp, no tears in his eyes just… fear. His heart was beating like it wanted to jump out of his chest. John looked him deep in the eyes, and with snake cold tone said: “If we don’t find your brother God help you Dean I will be the one to sentence you.”

After that there were just insults after insults, and the worst part was, Dean believed him, because he did fuck up, he lost Sammy, Sammy could be dead. Dean curled up on Sammy’s bed, taking in the smell of his baby brother, just wishing he was here, that Dean wasn’t alone. Dean fell asleep with tears streaming down his face and cover pulled up to his nose.  
Two weeks later they found him, and Dean couldn’t bring himself to look at his little brother after he hugged him.

What snapped him from the memory was Sam stirring and curling up on his side, slowly going to sleep, Dean knew all of his quirks by heart. He looked up at Cass who had that pitiful look Dean was so used to seeing lately.

“Are you alright Dean?”, Cass asked, cocking his head lightly on the side, looking like a goddamned puppy.

Dean looked down on Sammy, looking so peaceful in his sleep, moving hair from his eyes: “Shh Cass, we will wake him up.” With that every conversation was over and Dean slowly covered Sammy with one of the blankets that were under him, pulling him so that he was resting his head on Dean’s shoulder. In the morning they will wake up curled up on each other like kittens and pretend it never happened, but at the moment everything Dean needed was to hold Sammy close. Dean will be forever grateful to John for some things, but at the moment, he just hated the man. And that was okay. Everything was okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so thankful for my doll that beta'd this even tho she's not in SPN fandom. This was very personal to me and most of John's actions were based on my experience with unhinged parents. Ik John did some good things and he loved his sons, but everyone understood by now that he neglected both of his children. I will discuss anything and everything if needed.


End file.
